F U Hollywood. Bad Boy Fairytales Don’t Have Happy Endings

So, I took my teenagers (I can’t believe I’m this old) to see Disney’s “Prom” a little while back. It was a “good girl falls for bad, brawling boy who is really nice” and blah blah blah story.  And, although cliché, I was actually happy with the female characters for once- they were pretty strong in contrast to the weak, damsel in distress characters Disney usually personifies. So, I didn’t give it too much thought. Then just the other day, my daughter starts talking about her friend’s boyfriend and how he was being a jerk, but had mental issues, so her friend needed to just be more patient. After that comment, I kind of wanted to drop kick that movie into oblivion. Like any mother who wants nothing but happiness for her kids, I immediately went on a mini-rant that went something like this: “Be nice and understanding, but DON’T EVER date a guy with emotional problems. EVER!!!” My 13 year old, who is used to my quasi hippie “love everyone” attitude was taken aback. “But mom, they’re people too” she said.  I was secretly very proud of her but said. “Yes they are and love them as people, but don’t marry them; all you will be doing is exchanging your happiness for theirs.  They will hold you back and make life harder than it already is.”   

I know, I sound like and elitist b*yatch, but here’s the reality.  Hollywood likes to glamorize “bad boys” and makes them into heroes constantly, and while movies have happy endings, in real life, the bad, troubled, angry boys that play to our sympathies <A big, sarcastic “Thank you Hollywood”> often lead to our demise.  I know real women that married these troubled boys and while it seemed “romantic” in the beginning, ultimately ended painfully and in some cases, violently.  In respect for my friends, I won’t go into too much detail, but here’s a list of a few of the outcomes: suicide, attempted murder suicide, manslaughter, physical abuse and incest.   Adding insult to injury, all of these terrible outcomes happened after years and years of struggling to get theses bad/troubled/angry boys help, properly medicated and under control.  All of this hard work, years and years of pain, betrayal and abuse (children and wife) were rewarded with near death experiences, terrible losses and being left to clean up the disasters these boys left for them.

Ladies, bad boys are not a cross you want to bear. I know there are exceptions and I know everyone has equal value in the ultimate scheme of things, but when it comes to dating and ultimately choosing the guy you’re going to spend your life with, the troubled guys are best kept as friends.  Support them, try to help them when it doesn’t interfere with your own happiness, but don’t go down that path. Yeah, it may seem cool when he’s up in some other guys grill defending your honor, but remember, that anger will one day be directed at you or your kids and it won’t feel cool at all. Or, say he’s not violent, but emotionally troubled. Hollywood likes to portray these guys as deep, feeling lone-wolf types in black that you feel sorry for. That gothic anti-social who does what he pleases or always needs “him time”, isn’t going to be so sexy when he is depressed, can’t keep a job and self-medicates with booze.  How are you going to feel when he can’t deal with life, help you with the bills and the kids and you are left carrying the burden of everyone 24/7? And what happens when he decides to end it all because he just can’t bear his failures anymore? Is he going to leave you a terrible mess?  Or worse, will he plan on taking you with him? Not so romantic.

As women, it is in our nature to be caretakers. We see the best in everyone and want to bring it out in them, I know, I’ve taken on a project or two myself.  The key is seeing people for who they are, not what they could be. Continue to be supportive and kind to everyone, but don’t sabotage your own life by sharing it with someone who isn’t ready to be an equal partner emotionally. Maybe they will be healthy someday, but there are no guarantees. You could waste a lifetime having faith that someone will change, only to be left disappointed.  And in the case of someone with emotional problems, you may not only waste your life for theirs, but you may lose it.

As for Hollywood: I’m sending a big “F You” your way.  Stop perpetuating the pain by glamorizing troublemakers and ultimately abuse.  There’s nothing pretty or cool about it.

It's Your Body, Not a "Fad"

 

Today, the world wants us women thin….super thin. As this ad shows, not too long ago, they wanted you plump and curvy…and before that, most cultures liked women fat.   What I want to know is how did a woman’s weight become a fashion feature? I mean, we’re talking about a human body, the vehicle of life, not a designer dress.

I know there’s a whole psychology that goes into all these “weight fads” and I could probably ramble on about it for a while,  point a few fingers and get myself all worked up…maybe even swear a little, but I’ll spare you all of that.  Instead of making a case against societal attacks on the female body in the form of bi-polar weight-loss expectations, I’ll make a case for my solution (because I’m narcissistic like that). My solution for all of us women AND men is to forget about all this skinny, fat, curvy, skeleton  crap that we’re always putting on the female body and strive towards and support HEALTHY instead.   Obvious right?  But wait a sec, with all the movies, magazine covers, advertisements and brainwashing, do you even know what healthy is anymore?  You might be surprised. I know I was.

According to the National Institute of Health’s Body Mass Index, a woman that is 5’6 should weigh between 118-148 pounds, a woman 5’8 should weigh between 125-158 and someone my height, 5’9 should weigh between 128-162.  I don’t know about you, even if I was working out and solid muscle,  if I stood on the scale and saw it anywhere near 162 pounds,  I might actually start crying, curl up in fetal position and swear to never eat again.  However, that would be a healthy weight for me.  The problem is, I, like all the women I know, have been programmed to want social acceptance more than my physical health.  How messed up is that?

This realization hit me a few years ago when I worked for literally the largest fitness manufacturer in the world. They, like everyone else, found really thin models with chiseled bodies for all of their ads and print collateral. Try feeling attractive in that place! They used toners to enhance the muscle already there  for photo shoots and then,  like everyone else,  photo shopped  even the most “perfect” looking people to make them look even better.  Yes it is sick, and yes it is shameful, but this is the society we live in and the people we are choosing to measure ourselves against. And while we can get mad at advertisers and Adobe Photoshop, and yes I recognize their influences definitely affect our views, the ultimate responsibility still lands on us. These companies aren’t holding our hands and making us starve ourselves or feel bad for being chubby —their advertising techniques only work because we are vulnerable enough to let them.

Isn’t it time we all saw through the madness? Isn’t it time we took our bodies and our health into our own hands and stopped following weight fads in exchange for a better quality of life and longevity? Forget about trying to look like a model− those images aren’t real. Abandon societies shallow, fleeting ideals and do what is right for you on the most personal level. Find out what is healthy for you, your body type and your age and aim for that instead of a size 4. Do this for yourself and don’t hold other people to unhealthy standards either. Forget skinny, choose HEALTHY!

Girls-in-a-box: Are you guiding your daughters towards greatness or mediocrity?

A girlfriend of mine has a daughter, a very smart daughter, who is a freshman at a high school in Orem, a very conservative community.   Her female teacher asked her to write a paper about where she’d be in five years.  Being the intelligent and capable girl that she is, she wrote about her goals, including attending a good out-of- state university.  Her teacher gave her a low grade and wrote comments on her paper like: “What about getting married?”  “What about kids?”   When my friend recounted this story,  I couldn’t believe my ears.  In five years this girl will be only 19! My friend then explained how she went in to talk to the principal and the principal explained that they wanted their students to set more “realistic goals” for themselves, explaining that only about 2% of their students actually go to school out of state. Way to teach your kids to shoot for the stars!  Not only is this school guiding their students toward a life of mediocrity, they are perpetuating a very sexist view that women are most valuable when they are barefoot and pregnant.

We live in a more progressive community, but even my daughter faces gender-stereotyping in her community.  She was very excited about career day at her school.  She enjoyed it, but being the perceptive girl she is recounted this: “Mom, it was fun, but you know how they had a bunch of successful people speak to us?  Well, I noticed how all of them were men.” Yes, she goes to a school where they speak about gender equality, but when it comes down to it, they don’t practice what they teach. 

Perhaps it’s the community I live in, but even in this day and age,  instead of being rewarded for being smart and having big dreams, girls are rewarded most by society and their peers for being pretty and attracting attention from boys. As a mother of three girls, this concerns me. Actually, it more than concerns me, it frustrates me to no end.  I can teach my daughters to be intelligent and capable people who can do great things with their life, yet when they go out into the world they are measured by how pretty they are and how many dates they can secure for the weekend.  Is this what we want them to aspire to? This mentality will ultimately only lead them to a life of mediocrity and perpetuates the idea that women need a man to be fulfilled.  

As a mother,  I appreciate the wonder and amazement that comes from having and raising children,  but as a woman,  I also know that is not all my gender is destined for.  Like men, women are talented, capable beings that can accomplish great things with their life and better the world.  The problem is as women, we are still bound by a society that sees us as wives and mothers first, confining us to a box and all it’s limitations.  

As a society we need to be mindful of the messages we are putting out there. Applaud your daughter for being pretty if you want to, but applaud her equally for getting good grades, having strong opinions, and having big dreams.  And then,  enable her success as you enable her beauty when you buy her make-up and nice clothes-  give her books,  spend time helping her develop long-term goals that involve an education and  encourage her to go after fulfilling herself.  She may still choose to be a mother or maybe she'll choose to be a presidential candidate-  but give her a choice and a voice in her own life by providing her with a full range of life options instead of only a few. 

Next, take this vantage point out into the world with you.  Don’t engage in gender stereotypes and don’t perpetuate them by supporting people who do. Raise your voice when movies and TV shows (most screenplays & TV scripts are written by men, Benchmarking Women's Leadership Study, 2011) create weak, emotionally insolvent characters that are dependent on men. Raise your voice when magazines write articles about being pretty instead of being smart, raise your voice when your children’s schools teach them to shoot for the home rather than the moon, and raise your voice when your neighbors and friends hold women to narrowly defined standards.

Whether is overt gender-typing as with my friends daughter or the more subtler gender bias my daughter experienced,  the fact remains that our daughters are being guided towards mediocrity by their schools, their communities, their churches, the media and in many cases, their well-meaning parents that don’t even realize they are doing it. It is time for this to change, and to change in more than words, but in attitude and action. Your daughters deserve the opportunity to define their own life rather than have it forced upon them.

A New Pink is in Town: Why Women Need to Read This Blog

I know there are those of you out there that are satisfied with how things are.  You feel like we have evolved enough and are wondering what all the fuss is about and why women like me and others are out there sounding the alarm, making a big deal out of nothing.  What you may not fully realize however is that while we have come a very long way as women, the reality is we still do not make equal pay for equal work in any state of the union. And, despite higher rates of education than men, we only hold 18% of the leadership positions in business and government (Government, Benchmarking Women's Leadership Study 2011). As if that weren’t enough of a reason to be alarmed, women also report having less satisfaction with life than men (Government, Women in America Study 2011).  HOW IS THIS GOOD ENOUGH?

The path to equality and opportunity has been paved for us by women like Lucretia Mott, Susan B. Anthony, Gloria Steinem and thousands of others who have staked their time, their reputations and sometimes their lives for your benefit. Thanks to their efforts, a lot of ground has been made.  However, we are not there yet. The challenge for us women now is to accept our responsibility as intelligent, powerful beings and get on the path to a better, more egalitarian world for us all- and I'm not just talking about in the workplace-  but in the home too. Not only will it benefit women, but it will benefit all mankind.  The human race simply cannot evolve until we are all on equal ground.

So,  if you care about other women, your daughters and yourself,  it's time to put the shallow pink girly magazines aside, get out in the world and kick ass the way every women should.

“In my heart, I think a woman has two choices: either she’s a feminist or a masochist.”
—Gloria Steinem